SICK.

I am sick of trying to be good and nice.

Sick of trying to be the good good girl when I know I am not.

I am trying my best to be good tempered. But you guys do things that would provoke me.

I did try to study now. But you all, what did you all do? Assumed that I didn't and throw it all away. That's demoralizing. How not to throw my temper back at you?

Sometimes its not that I wish to be rude. But I hate it when people don't get their facts right and throw it in my face. I don't like to be accuse. The fact is, everyone in the family is treating me like shit. Then for fuck am I still here?

They can never be understanding towards me. They will never, and they will not. When its my pms period, I tend to get cranky. But do they ever know that? No. They don't. Do they ask? No. They don't. Nobody does. Nobody makes an effort to. Nobody appreciates me at all I tell you. I can do anything without asking for anything in return. I can be good at certain stuffs but I don't go around showing off. I may be a high level gamer but I am humble about it. So? What do I get in return? Unkind gestures, people's stupid looks shining on me. Being straight forward gets myself slammed. I end up having to keep everything to myself. Why? Why like this? I don't know. Life isn't fair I guess. I should just keep everything to myself and feel sorry for myself. Sorry that I have such a fucked up family, sorry that I have such fucked up people around me. Sorry that I had to work so hard to get to this far. Sorry that I don't have a chance to be straightforward - at all.

People are just mfkers. Slap yourselves and wake up dudes. Look at yourself in the mirror and start thinking whether you are those what you always want us to be before you start saying us. All of you suck.

=)

I just felt like blogging. Haha.

This are back to normal I supposed. Norm or not, it will still be back to norm some day -.- Lol. I am still thinking whether to go and scout for good books to read. MPH is a good place to hunt for good books lol. I always get books I want there :P

Yes, the long awaited movie, Da Vinci Code is out soon. I will definitely watch it. It looks exciting, judging from the trailers. But I urge all christians not to watch. You'll either get yourself pissed, cussing the director, or the author who started the story.

As I told some people around me, DVC's contents may or may not be real. Let's just for now, take it as unreal. But it has really made me so... excited at the contents when I first read the book. =) The author has really done a damn wonderful piece of work. I literally believed in it. Lol. But actually, whether its true or not, it really depends on what you believe. Historians will never lie and they won't announce it to the world officially even if it is real.

1.) For centuries, we've always believe that Jesus was just Jesus. Who would now, accept that Jesus has a wife?

2.) Even if its proven true, how many christians in the world would believe?

3.) Get the facts right before you start arguing that its "Satan's work". Because in the first place, the story speaks about how women were held as a "sacred being" in the olden days because we have the ability to reproduce.

4.) Its still what you believe in.

Religions are always a sensitive issue.

Its like, who told you that praying to Cai Shen Ye will bring you lots of money? Like what the writer here says, if god doesn't promise you heaven, would you still have faith in him?

No matter you believe in Allah, Jesus, Dua Pe Gong, Buddha, Guan Yin Ma, whatever. If one of them tells you that you will proceed to hell the moment you die, will you still believe in Him?

Ultimately, we believe in a certain religion because we need to seek peace in our hearts. Unfortunately, people who commits crime tends to turn to christianity. Its like, after stabbing someone on the back, they go to church and asks for forgiveness. (_l_) Fuck bird man. I mean, what i am trying to say here, I am sure anyone here who reads it understands.

How many of us now trust in whichever god we believe in with true faith?

Man are greedy creatures. No money, no talk. No heaven, no attending church weekly. I seriously think people who attends church weekly for the sake of doing so, or because your gf/bf is attending it, to stop attending it. You're just creating an illusion for yourself.

For those who have been attending it your whole life, ask yourself, do you think you've become better or worse?

Religion.... its something that either kills, else it cures. It can create miracle. But it can make you go mad too.

Personally, I do believe in christianity. Its just like an affinity. Though I am not those devoted christians that attends churches weekly, but right in my heart, I believe in Him. Through those tough times, he has been there. Physically I may not feel him. But spiritually, I always felt him there. There were numerous enlightenment I received. And there was a time where I felt nearly devoured by a devil. My ex suggested that I put the bible beside my bed the next night. Because I cried out to the lord when I was afraid. Well, I thought that he made sense. So I did. True enough, no more bad dreams.

Was it a nightmare? Was it just coincidence? Well, as I'd said. It depends on what you believe. I believe, He was there to sweep them all away for me. I thank him for that and I am grateful. Well, that's all for the day.

^_^

Here In My Heart

wherever you are tonight girl
I'll see you in my dreams
wherever I go tomorrow
You'll be here next to me

And though we are a world apart
I know you'll never be that far

'Cuz here in my heart
There's a picture of us
Together forever
Unfaded and unbroken
Wherever you are
Your love covers me
Forever more
You'll be here in my heart

Whenever I miss (I miss)
Miss you so much
It's more than I can bear
Now I won't cry (I won't cry)
I'll just close my eyes and know
You'll be there

Your kiss and your touch (kiss and your touch)
I'll never forget
'Cuz your as close as my very next breath

Here in my heart
There's a picture of us
Together forever
Unfaded and unbroken
Wherever you are
Your love covers me
Forever more
You'll be here in my heart

And though we are
(I know we are)
A world apart
I know you'll never be that far (far)

'Cuz here in my heart
There's a pitucre of us
Together forever
Unfaded and unbroken
Wherever you are
Your love covers me
Forever more
You'll be here in my heart

My heart

Months.

Been months.

Thought I should update on some private lil' thoughts.

I am not happy with him in some certain aspects. Like, shouldn't girlfriend stand in first place, next to a game?

Maybe I should have seen it coming. We started out via game, and we can definitely end through a game. Its really just like, I think I looked for it myself. No one to blame.

But instead, I took it out on him. Treating him coldly. Which is, what I guess - I shouldn't do. Its not that I don't know how to handle relationships in a better way. But I just can't help treating him that way.

Being ignored in another way is not a nice feeling. Indirectly, he IS ignoring me. Playing his game, hoping to level asap. Maybe I should find my own stuffs to do as well, like going to MPH later to look for books. Its better I guess? Maybe spend some time, alone. Quality time, alone.

Its been three days since we met up.

I don't deny that I miss him. But does he? He'll say he do. I thought about us yesterday. What if we break up one fine day? Will I feel sad?

Yes, I would. I cannot imagine the sadness if we are not together. But if that day comes and he insists, despite my objection...

then goodbye. i'm glad we made it this far. but loving u has been an experience for me.

Je'taime :)